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Tuesday, January 25, 2011


I have an appointment on February 9th with the Danville clinic for fatties. They have both a weight loss program and a bariatric surgery program. They asked me twice in the process of making the appointment which I wanted. I have chosen the weight loss program, because I know I can lose weight. I have in the past. I also know that I cannot do it in these conditions, so I think I'll be wasting both time and money by going through these motions.

Once I get there, I may start talking to them about surgical options.

I say I don't want it. I want nothing to do with surgery. Even a 1% chance of DEATH just because I'm so fucking desperate to be thin sounds like ridiculous odds. 99% I'll be able to shop in the 'normal' sizes. 1% I'll just be dead. How is that even an OPTION? Fat or thin or dead? Two-thirds of those are undesirable.

I don't NEED the weight loss program. I know nutrition. I know exercise. I know muscle memory and that my body will eventually get used to workouts if I don't change up the activity/frequency/intensity. I know that finding some way to deal with emotion other than shoving food down my throat is a necessary evil skill. I know WHY whole wheat pasta is better than processed.


I don't need an education about weight loss.

I need an intervention. And a therapist.

I need a prescription for independence and my own apartment.

The surgery wouldn't fix my head. I can see myself being one of those people who just eats and eats and eats after going under the knife. I would stretch my stomach back out to its current mammoth proportions and regain anything I had lost.

As long as I am here, under the thumb of parental control, I will be fat.

I have decided that, unless the bank ponies up with promotions and/or raises fairly quickly, my savings account is being built up for the sole purpose of moving back to Japan. Interac would hire me. I want to make sure I have enough money to buy my ticket, pay my key money, and live for two months before that first blasted paycheck, without having to ask anyone for anything in the process.

Barring astronomical advances in my banking career, look for me in Japan, March 2012.