60

I went to a dietician when I was in high school. I think I've told this tale before. I hated her. But, I do remember that she told me in her reviews of my charts, I'd steadily gained an average of 10-pounds/year for several years to hit my 300-ish weight when I was 15 or 16. She said, "That doesn't sound so bad, does it?" I shook my head no, and was a little proud because, hey, at least it wasn't 20, right? "Well," she added, "If this trend continues, you'll weigh 400-pounds by the time you're 25."

Oh, well, fuck you, too, lady.

Fortunately, it did not continue (no thanks to my dietician, though). I actually did gain about 30 more pounds in high school. I graduated somewhere in the 330s. Girls from my high school graduate in white gowns. I looked like the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Grad. Seriously, you should see the photos.

At any rate, in college I hovered between 290-300-pounds, depending on the day/year/finals schedule. I moved back home and was well into the 300s again before I left for Japan. In six years abroad, I managed to dip as low as 283-pounds when I was 28, a number I hadn't seen in more than a decade. I called that a 40-pound loss and was so motivated to continue, nothing could go wrong.

And then I lost my job and moved home again. The scale this morning? Around 343-pounds. I have gained approximately 60-pounds in eight months in this country.

I have been bored, depressed, angry, grieving, exhausted, and any number of emotional messes that can totally screw over an emotional eater trying desperately not to shove fistfuls of Tastycakes down her throat.

I chose not to articulate any particular resolutions for 2011. Why bother? The rest have always failed. In fact, I chose not to be awake when 2011 showed its (thus far ugly) face.

However, the fact remains that I will turn 30 in less than two months. I weigh more now than I ever have in my recorded weight history. I want to get better, but being healthy in my house is as effective as nailing Jell-O to a tree.

Still, I'll keep trying. Never mind the bloomin' onion from Outback last night, the sundaes from the night before, or the impending doom of a Domino's delivery tonight. Yeah, never mind that.