An Open Letter

Dear Body,

While I appreciate how much you have been cooperating with me the past few weeks (that little bloating/water retention issue aside), it would really, REALLY help me out if you would start pulling fat from the areas of my body where there are FAR larger reserves, as opposed to whittling my abdomen and waist. I'm all for abdomen shaping and waist whittling, don't get me wrong... however, as it gets smaller (and nothing else does), everything else looks LARGER by proportion.

You see, my hips now look like they're actually BIGGER than they used to be (even though this is not the case), because by the numbers, I've lost a far larger percentage of girth from my waist than from anywhere else.

This is not helpful. In fact, this is a breeding ground for MORE children acting like assholes. Whereas I can look in the mirror and see my waist as significantly smaller, THEY see me coming down the street and see, well, a bowling pin. With feet.

So, once again, it is of paramount importance for you to see the error of your fat-burning ways and put to rights this duck-butt waddling tragedy-in-the-making.

Sincerely yours,
Management