When someone in the fat blogosphere disappears for a while, it is almost certainly because they have fallen off the proverbial wagon.
I fell off, ran behind it for a while trying to catch up, and then just tossed a Molotov cocktail at the fucker and danced naked around it while it burned.
This is usually how I operate. Whatever I do, whenever I do it, I do it to excess.
My very first time on a plane was from Newark to Rome. Eight hours as a first flight? Sure, why not.
My very first earthquake was the largest one in this part of Japan in 40 years. 7+ magnitude? Thanks.
EVERY time I decide to eat well, I aim for perfection (an inevitable downfall). I ate an M&M this morning, may as well eat a pile of fried food since the day is screwed.
EVERY time I decide to say screw it, I eat mini Kit-Kats by the bag full. And whole loaves of bread (a loaf is less bread in Japan than in the US, at least). And any pre-cooked (fried) food that is on sale at the supermarket.
When I got on the scale this morning, I was still under 290lbs. I was shocked that it wasn't much worse, though it was a pleasant surprise. And yet, I am thinking that it is more likely muscle atrophy than self-restraint when faced with white flour and sugar and salt and grease.
Jealousy and resentment are huge obstacles in my continuing effort to lose this 100 pounds. My Facebook status for the past 12 hours has been "Angela is tired of failing where so many others succeed with seemingly so little effort."
It's horrible, but it's true. I honestly cannot stand the number of people I know (especially in Japan) who know absolutely nothing about healthy eating, who actually hate vegetables, who don't exercise, who put in little to no effort compared to what I do.... who have lost significant amounts of weight.
It doesn't help that they can lose 20 pounds and it's immediately noticeable and amazing. No one noticed anything on me until I lost 50. And even then, I'm still huge. I honestly cannot even fathom keeping up the kind of effort I put in for another year. Or two years. And you know what? I know that it gets harder.
I know that as I lose weight, I will burn fewer calories when I exercise.
I know that my daily calorie allotment will get smaller.
I know too much to be even remotely hopeful or positive in this process.
Maybe if I knew as little as everyone else who seems to be successful, I would be successful too.
This is not as insightful as I usually try to make these posts, but I can't be deep all the time.
I'm working on being back on track today, but I have been working on that for days without success.
I hope that I can be more positive soon. Both for my sake and you readers.
4 comments:
Two tidbits of info I`d like to give you. I feel I may qualify to send this your way because I have lost going on 60 pounds myself so I know all too well what you are doing and what this feels like.
1. Positivity. I know you may want to shoot me for saying this to you right now but it is true. In your mind act as if you already are at your ideal weight. Strut your shit like you are the skinniest bitch you know. It attracts more of the same.
2. Patience. I don`t mean patience as in waiting for a phone call but, Angela, what you are doing is a magnificent feat. It is something most people won`t try their hand at. More importantly, this is a LIFESTYLE CHANGE. You are not on a diet. You are breaking lifelong habits for the sake of your health. There are physical, emotional, psychological, and even spiritual levels you have to reveal in order to do this. This process takes time, but you are changing the way you live, the way you eat, and importantly the way you think.
Days like this will come. Feel them and then move on. This is your life, so you have all the time in the world.
Hope this helps.
Thank you!
I tell myself over and over that whatever I am doing to change myself, my habits, my lifestyle.... it's got to be forever. But sometimes it's just so hard to keep the big picture in mind when staring down 20+ years of ingrained bad habits.
I have heard the positivity/affirmation thing before, too... and it is very against my nature to be a positive person. I am good at faking it, but at heart, I am not. I have to try, though!
I found my way to your blog from CK. I just think that big numbers are too depressing, so I give myself little goals with the CK goal setter. I usually set them for a couple weeks away & plan to lose something reasonable that I know I have managed in the past.
Also, I let myself eat, but I log every single bite. I just stop earlier that way, before calorie amnesia sets in & I eat two breakfasts!
it is a huge struggle and you are persevering admirably. and for what it's worth, the mental image of throwing a molotov cocktail at the weight loss wagon and dancing naked around it was totally priceless.
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