Ponytail = Horse's Ass

My hair is in a ponytail.

Allow that to sink in for a moment.

My hair. Is in. A ponytail.

What? That's not an earth-shattering statement to you?

Well, sister, it is to me.

Here's the thing... my hair was in a ponytail for 12-years (minus a short-lived experiment in a bob cut that made me look like a deranged cocker spaniel in 6th grade, because my naturally curly hair had not yet been tamed by time and maturity).

My hair was in a ponytail throughout the fattest years of my life. The years when I started off fat in January, got fatter all year long, and closed out December with a big holiday bang and ten more pounds on the scale.

I went to a dietician once in early high school. I think I probably weighed about 300 pounds in my freshman year. She looked at my records and told me that I had gained about ten pounds a year for the last several years. That didn't sound bad, did it? And then she told me, but think about it, if that continues, you'll weigh 400 pounds in ten more years.

That wasn't helpful.

Do you know what would have been helpful? If she had told me that I could lose ten pounds a year instead of gaining it by cutting a mere 100 calories per day from my diet.

And, hell, let's get crazy and cut 200 calories per day and lose 20 pounds. Get thin TWICE AS FAST as I got fat. Now that's progress.

But, she didn't give me those helpful words of wisdom. Instead, she used psychology and buzzwords like "FOCUS" to try and get me thinking how I should be thinking. She told me to "FOCUS" so many times over the course of our meetings that I automatically unfocused and zoned out when she said it.

"FOCUS on good foods. What do you eat for lunch at school?"

My high school schedule was busy and the hot lunch line was often really long and slow, so I ate from the a la carte line instead. I usually got a pack of crackers (you know, those six packs of Cheddar Cheese crackers or Captain's Wafers) and a can of juice and maybe something sweet - I honestly don't remember.

But it wasn't much, it didn't SEEM like much.

When I told the dietician about what I usually ate for lunch, she vetoed it outright, without explanation, and said "Drink water. Eat whole fruit. Try to have vegetables instead."

Sound advice, I admit, but I was very scientifically minded back then (and still am), and I didn't appreciate being told what to do without an explanation as to why. WHY was I not allowed to eat the exact same thing that lots of other kids at my high school were eating (and they often ate worse - burgers and fries or pizza from the other lunch line) without ever gaining an ounce.

Where was that disconnect? What was wrong with me? I was already different than everyone else because I was the biggest person at my school - did I also have to stick out at lunch time, too?

Navigating through high school life as someone 'abnormal' is very much like balancing on the edge of a sword. A sword surrounded by a sea of hungry piranhas. One single misstep and you are as good as chum. Eat too much "bad" food at lunch, everyone says, "Yeah, fattie, eat more, get fatter." Eat too much "good" food, you get razzed on for "dieting," which clearly isn't working since you're still fat. Teenagers don't understand (or don't care) that eating salad for one day doesn't make you drop 150-pounds the next time you take a shit.

In general, ponytail time was a very turbulent time in my life. When I escaped the ponytail in college, I grew up a little more.

Ever since I put my hair back into its ponytail (the first time it's been long enough to pull back in 9 years or so), I have been fighting those old feelings. Shame, inadequacy, hunger... where are the Captain's Wafers in Japan, damn it?!

Strange how everything is so connected. Brain, stomach, mouth... hair.

An elastic band around my hair should not make me feel like I'm 17 again (and not in that good, Zeffron yay-I'm-so-young! kind of way; more like the oh-god-I-never-ever-ever-wanted-to-be-17-again kind of way).

And yet, it does. I have been fighting it for a while now - 3 weeks, maybe? With my hair in a ponytail, I have been behaving exactly like a horse's ass (you know, that thing that you find beneath every ponytail in the barn).

I maxed out at 133.8kg (294.98lbs) yesterday morning.

And finally, I feel in control. I'm in control of my hair and I'm in control of my life. I lost 2kg (4.4lbs) overnight.

I had a good day yesterday and I am having a good day today. I am saying it, and that makes it so.


Happy Thanksgiving, USA readers. Mix a bit of your cranberry sauce with some mashed potatoes and a bite of stuffing. Do it for me.

Seriously, it's a flavor party that you don't want to miss.