Talk is Cheap, Lies are Expensive

The wisdom of Green Day.

I talk a good game, don't I? I mean, look at that last post. Four solid, straightforward points on which I must focus to lose weight, get healthy, and remain so.

A resolution to accomplish those goals 90% of the time.

It's a shame that I excel at lying to myself.

Time for a big, honest slap in the face.

Lie #1: I'll get back on it tomorrow.
Who am I kidding? Tomorrow never comes! I have allowed myself to slip back into the perfection habit. The moment that something classified 'unhealthy' passes my lips, I see the day as wasted and dive head first into vats of fryer oil and cheese with reckless abandon. This must stop.

Lie #2: I can't have gained back much, my clothes still fit fine.
My clothes do still fit, though I have gradually fallen out of the habit of using my belt as much, since I don't need it to hold my pants up anymore. Clearly, I have gained weight back... how much? I don't know, because I haven't stepped on my scale.

Lie #3: I'm still ok, no one has noticed me swelling up like the Goodyear Blimp.
UNTRUE, UNTRUE, UNTRUE. I have noticed the sideways glances. The up-and-down appraisals. Gamblers rubbing their mitts together in anticipation of their winnings in the "bet she regains it all!!!" poll. I have gotten bigger and it IS noticeable. Even I can see it in the roundness of my cheeks in the mirror in the mornings. Instead of being a delicately pointed oval (I like my face shape when it's not swollen with fat and water retention), it's like staring at a fat, yellow-pink moon.

Action Plan:
- CLEAN HOUSE. A messy room is a surefire way for me to fail at other aspects of my life. In order to do this, I need to reserve my weekends and keep them to myself. I love having company, but it inhibits my getting things done that I would otherwise accomplish.

- LOG FOOD. I know that I am on a road to relapse when I stop logging my food on CalorieKing. I haven't logged steadily in weeks.

- WEIGH EVERYDAY. I perpetuate Lie #2 by never stepping on my scale when I am not logging my food intake. Instead of looking at numbers, I depend on the fit of my clothes to tell me how I'm doing. If I can still pull my pants on over my bulbous buttocks, everything is fine. NOT.

- STAY HOME. Going out to party, to eat, to travel, to visit... whatever... it is all an interruption that I do not need when I am floundering and gasping for air like I am right now. I need to stay rooted in my apartment for at least two weekends in a row. Enough time to re-institute habits and get myself under control.

Those are the basics; the keys to my successes in the past.

I can't afford to re-gain weight. The clothes I bought last year when I went home were bought to fit a slimmer, trimmer body. They comprise fully 1/4-1/2 of my wardrobe. A lot of my 'fat clothes' are worn out, stretched out, and just plain out of fashion. Having to re-stock a fatter closet from across the Pacific is inconvenient and unbelievably expensive. I won't do it.

I am logging my food today.

I will do something in the way of cleaning house this evening. Even something small is a step forward. I will weigh myself tomorrow morning (and scream). I will stay home this weekend and not have anyone over.

I will, I WILL, I WILL.